Perlinte

Conversation 12

Adeimantus and Critobulus saw that Socrates was chuckling to himself.

ADEIMANTUS. Is something amusing you, Socrates?

SOCRATES. I was just thinking about something Petal said this morning.

A. What was that?

S. I suggested we might get some more indoor plants. Do you know what she said to that?

A. Tell us.

S. She said, ‘Indoor plants are a pain in the aspidistra!’

A. (Laughing) Very good! And what did you say to that?

S. What could I say? The subject was closed.

A. I thought you said in our discussion on Davis’s Law¹ that the indoor plants were Petal’s.

S. I think I did suggest that.

CRITOBULUS. Well, whose are they?

S. It’s one of those flexible ownership things in a relationship. When the indoor plants are looking great, I claim them as mine. When they are a chore to look after, I say they are Petal’s.

A. Anyway, I see from her remark that your Petal has a sense of humour as well as a commanding personality.

S. You are not wrong, Adeimantus.

A. You did promise to tell us more about Petal some time.

S. So I did. You seem to be more curious about my domestic arrangements than my philosophy, Adeimantus.

A. I just wondered what kind of woman could get along with a man like you.

S. You think that knowing more about Petal will reveal something about the inner workings of Socrates?

A. I suppose so.

S. Well, since it is you who wants to know, you can ask questions and I will answer as I see fit. I should warn you that Petal and I have a pact whereby we don’t reveal each other’s secrets.

C. (Sings) ‘People asked about you, I didn't tell them everything I knew.’ (Dylan 1997)

S. You’re a Dylan fan, I see Critobulus. There was a time when nearly everything anyone said brought a line from a Dylan song to my mind.

C. Is Petal her real name? Can you reveal that?

S. I can reveal that Petal is short for Perlinte.

A. Perlinte. Is that an ancient Greek name, like your name, Socrates?

S. It sounds like it might be, but a Greek origin seems unlikely given that neither Petal nor any of her known ancestors is Greek.

C. Do you ever call her ‘Pet’ for short?

S. Never, Critobulus! I don’t like the concept of a diminutive of a diminutive, and Petal doesn’t like ‘Pet’ either. It would seem to belittle her dignity. ‘Petal’ has connotations of flowers, which are beautiful like herself, but ‘Pet’ reminds one of cats and dogs. As much as we both like dogs, they can be smelly.

A. But how did she get Petal from Perlinte?

S. The origin of ‘Petal’ is lost in the mists of time. Perhaps it was a childhood mispronunciation that stuck.

A. Is she younger or older than you?

S. You must know, Adeimantus, that no man should ever reveal his wife’s age, even if he has her permission to do so.

C. Are you saying that your judgement is better than hers?

S. Of course not, Critobulus! Perish the thought! What I’m suggesting is that being given permission to reveal your wife’s age is a kind of test. You must not fall into the trap of taking her literally.

A. Can you tell us how you and Petal met?

S. I can tell you that we met in the normal way.

C. What do you mean?

S. We met in person. The internet was not involved.

A. What made you pick Petal out from the field? Was there a field?

S. I was no Casanova, if that’s what you mean Adeimantus, but I did have a few irons in the fire at the time. Yes, I picked her out. Maybe I am deluding myself and she picked me. Anyway, we ‘hit it off’.

A. I am always intrigued about what attracts couples. Could you enlarge on that in your case, Socrates?

S. I could speculate, but of course attraction is always a mystery. You must have something in common, but also some differences to make each other interesting.

C. A wishy-washy answer if ever I heard one.

S. Most, if not all the other women I had met, seemed to evaluate me for my potential to fulfil a role they had in mind. I always felt I was being interviewed for a job and they were judging on external qualities.

A. Such as?

S. The usual things: earning potential, standing in the group, social acceptability, looks.

A. Aren’t those things important in a potential spouse?

S. Of course they have some importance, but they are not the most important qualities.

A. What is the most important quality, would you say?

S. You have to see past all those external things and see the person as they really are. You have to like the person as they really are, and they have to like you as you really are. Otherwise, one or both of you will eventually be ‘found out’. This is the reason so many marriages break up, the emphasis on superficial qualities, the idea that the other person is an accessory to your lifestyle.

C. Like a fashion accessory?

S. Exactly. In the ups and downs of life, fashion is often not the most important thing. If you think fashion is the most important thing, then your other half is likely to find you shallow when they need depth.

A. And Petal was not like that?

S. Petal was and is clearly her ‘own person’. She knew who she was and who she wasn’t. We never spoke explicitly about these things, but I understood that she was thinking, ‘This is how I am. If I’m going to be your wife, I have to know that you will love me and care for me as I really am.’ There was an unspoken element of ‘Take me as I am or let me go.’²

C. She sounds rather uncompromising.

S. There are some things you don’t compromise on, Critobulus. Your basic identity is one of them. You know that in the course of your life together you will have to make many compromises, almost on a daily basis. You must be prepared to compromise out of respect for your wife’s right to be herself, and you need to know that she will do the same for you. Petal and I felt the same about this. It’s the fundamental thing we have in common.

C. Did she never try to knock the rough edges off you, Socrates?

S. Well, everyone has a few rough edges. For my own good, she may have worked on one or two of them, but she always did it gently and respectfully.

A. What else did you have in common?

S. We both agree entirely on important moral values. This was before I professed a religious belief and I was, in her words, ‘Almost an atheist.’ The moral basis was already there in me, I just had to work on a few philosophical issues, the ones we are discussing in our conversations here.

A. Did Petal put any pressure on you to convert?

S. Never. She was prepared to take me as I was. Of course, she was delighted when I did become a Catholic, being one herself.

A. Any other commonalities?

S. We have much the same sense of humour, which I might describe as ‘quirky’.

C. Why quirky?

S. You know you have a quirky sense of humour when you are watching a film in a cinema and you laugh when nobody else does, and everyone else laughs at things you don’t see as funny. Petal and I laugh at the same things when nobody else is laughing. Our humour is not identical. Mine tends to be more word-based, Petal’s not so much. I like puns and spoonerisms. In fact, I often have to stop myself from making puns while talking to you gentlemen.

C. We appreciate that, don’t we Adeimantus?

A. Most definitely. Thank you for your consideration, Socrates.

S. We also enjoy trying to unravel mysteries together. There are few things we like more than watching a detective drama on the TV, something intricate and not too violent, like Agatha Christie’s Miss Marple or Poirot. We often stop the replay and discuss the clues, trying to solve the case before all is revealed. We do the same with some stories in the news.

C. Do you agree on politics?

S. Yes, Critobulus, we do, since political leanings are closely related to moral values.

C. And which way do you lean?

S. No comment. You will observe, Critobulus, that in the course of these discussions I never comment on specific political issues of the day. I am more interested, as you must be discovering, in the philosophical ideals, or lack of them, behind political views, and what they reveal about human nature and social trends. But indeed, Petal and I often discuss political issues.

A. Any other commonalities?

S. Petal is very energetic, and I admire that. She runs when others would walk. She always has several projects on the go, usually in the service of other people. I’m not attracted to languid people. I like to see people putting energy and passion into their activities. It inspires me too.

C. But you are happy to sit in this café talking for an hour every morning!

S. I put energy and thought into these conversations, Critobulus, in the hope of transferring some hard-won wisdom to you, and from you to others.

A. Very well Socrates, enough of your common ground. Do you and Petal have differences? Where does the magic in your relationship come from?

S. Clearly Adeimantus, if I could explain it, it wouldn’t have mystery or be magic.

A. Could you perhaps give us a glimpse into the mystery?

S. I could try. You would think after all our years together, Petal and I would know what the other was thinking, but I have to tell you that Petal has always had, and still has, the ability to surprise me. I find that interesting.

A. Can you give us an example?

S. I can. I don’t think Petal would mind if I told you the story of my famous blue raincoat. Recently, we were getting dressed to go out and Petal said, ‘Why don’t you wear your blue raincoat?’ ‘My famous blue raincoat?’ said I. What do you think of that, Critobulus?

C. I think you were channelling Leonard Cohen, but what was so surprising about Petal’s question?

S. There was no sign of rain. I pointed this out, and do you know what Petal said in reply?

A. I couldn’t possibly guess.

S. She said, ‘If you don’t wear it now, in the winter, when will you ever wear it?

A. And how did you answer that?

S. I said, ‘I agree with you there, but I’m afraid I will be too hot if I wear it.’

A. Did that get you off the hook?

S. Of course not. You will never guess what she said next.

C. Tell us.

S. She said, ‘I’m going to wear my raincoat and I will look odd if you don’t wear yours!’

A. What did you do?

S. I wore my raincoat, of course. Petal’s logic was faultless, and how could I refuse a direct request for support.

A. It was hardly a direct request.

S. It was if you understand that Petal was being completely true to her heritage, which is to approach a problem in a way that is at the same time forceful and oblique.

A. Will you tell us what her heritage is? We know it's not Greek.

S. Petal’s heritage is for me to know and for you to find out, Adeimantus.

C. And are you not used to Petal’s forceful and oblique approach? Were you still surprised?

S. I am used to it, Critobulus, and I have learnt to wait patiently for the true intent to be revealed, but I can still be surprised and amused by an unexpected twist.

A. Did you have to learn patience, Socrates?

S. I did. Sometimes my heritage intrudes as well.

A. What is your heritage, Socrates?

S. Well, of course I am descended way back from the Greeks of Athens, but more recently I come from a long line of Protestant English chapel goers, the sort of exceedingly literal people who say exactly what they mean, and if they have nothing to say, they say nothing.

A. The words of Jesus would seem to apply to you: ‘Behold an Israelite indeed, in whom is no guile!’ (The Bible, King James Version n.d., John 1:47)

S. It is true, Adeimantus, that I am not big on guile, so much so that some people have suspected me of being so crafty that my guile is undetectable. I find that says more about them than about me. I may have, though, over the years, developed a little subtlety.

C. I haven’t noticed any subtlety yet, Socrates.

S. Of course, Critobulus, if I were very subtle, you wouldn’t notice, would you?

C. I suppose not.

A. As I’m sure you know, Socrates, there comes a point in every discussion of this type when this question has to be asked: ‘What would you say is the secret of a happy marriage?’

S. Are you looking for tips, Adeimantus? The real secret is in the fundamentals I mentioned earlier. However, I can offer you a few pointers on the basis of my long experience that will add a little spice to your relationship.

A. Go on, Socrates.

S. Of course, you must really love your wife and you must tell her so at least once a day.

C. That’s pretty standard.

S. You must also talk to her often about things that interest her. You know, it’s a sign of a good relationship when your wife is first person you want to talk to about something that interests you, when you want and value her opinion on the matter.

A. That seems reasonably obvious, too.

S. But more importantly, Adeimantus, did you know that to keep your marriage healthy, you must strive to make your wife laugh at least once every day?

A. I hadn’t thought of that.

S. It can be a test of your creative faculties, but well worth the attempt.

S. Now, Adeimantus, have I told you enough? Have I satisfied your curiosity? If I happen to mention Petal in passing, will you feel that you can ‘relate’ to her as someone who is always in my thoughts?

A. I think Petal must be a remarkable woman, Socrates. I see she is a person of substance, and that adds to our good opinion of you, doesn’t it Critobulus?

C. Agreed.

S. Amen to that! I am a fortunate man.

References

Dickens, "Little" Jimmy. 1954. Take Me as I Am (Or Let Me Go). Comp. Boudleaux Bryant.

Dylan, Bob. 1997. “Million Miles.” Time out of Mind. Comp. Bob Dylan.

n.d. The Bible, King James Version.

1. See the conversation on Davis’s Law.

2. Title of a song written by Boudleaux Bryant (Dickens 1954).